Solo record from Geezer solo band.

A statement was released today, to the 

"Who gives a shit" section of the news, 

by the backing band in Geezer Butler's 

solo band, GZR.

Those 3 mooks in the background...

For those of you that don't know, Geezer Butler 

is the bass player for the godfathers of heavy metal

BLACK SABBATH.

Anyway, the small backing band to Geezer's on/off solo 

band is announcing that instead of sitting around waiting

for Geezer they are going to release their own solo record.

Yes, a solo band is releasing their own solo record.

They plan to start with a single that will be 

followed by an album and a tour.

I hate to break it to you guys, you ain't 

recording a full length. 

And your probably wasting your kids college fund on the "single."

Be realistic, you are backing musicians

in this bass players solo band. 

Not quite the same as in being in the E street band.

In other related music news, 

Rock God Paul Stanley of Kiss was quoted saying,

"I never get tired of playing songs that have made me

incredibly rich and satisfied."

Yes, Paul Stanley, the lyricist behind Kiss classics

like, "Let's Put the X in Sex" and "Love Gun."

I don't know which is worse, 

That he's rich or that he's satisfied.

But sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Hero Pilot or Douche? Finally Answered.

After posting previously about whether or not the 

Hudson river hero crash pilot, good old Sully Sullenberg, 

was infact actually a hero or just a lucky douche doing his job.

I read a new article describing his landing and I thought that

ok the guy may be a bad date, but he's probably a good pilot.

But does that make him a hero?

Still I wasn't sure.

Then I was on a plane returning home from a trip to Florida

and while the take off and flight was good,

the landing was a bit bumpy and I almost spilled the drink 

I was hiding from the Stewardess. 

I asked myself again, Is Sully a hero or a douche?

Well, as upset as I was at my slightly uncomfortable landing on land

you can imagine how upset I would have been crashing into water.

Let's put it this way, Sully wouldn't have gotten positive feedback 

on my comment card. 

So that still leaves me at a draw on whether 

he's a hero or a douche.

That is until today....

Sully Sullenberg 

I pronounce thee

DOUCHE!

You have been going around whining 

about how you've lost 40% of your salary over the last 10 years. 

Guess what Sully, 

Your lucky to still have a job as a pilot.

After 9/11 everyone either got fired or lost pay.

The airlines are still struggling today.

So asshole stop trying to guilt the public for a raise.

Real hero's don't save lives for money, they just do it.

Batman and Spiderman don't send 

you a bill after they rescue your ass and save the city. 

Sully is finally proving my point that he is not a hero.

He's just a douche looking to cash in on his good luck. 

And it looks like he did,

He's been cast in the lead role in the off broadway play

about the life of cult film maker, John Waters,

entitled, "Put Your Cum On My Face: The Life of John Waters."

And finally in closing,

I've reached out to an old friend of mine, John Waters

and I asked him to do his impersonation of Sully

right before the plane hit the water...

Al Sharpton's disappointment.

The news came on and they announced that cops have 

shot and killed a monkey in Connecticut. 

Al Sharpton's reflexes kicked in immediately.

He pulled his dick out of the white hooker he was sleeping with, 

he put on his most expansive 3 piece suit,

went down to the barber shop for a shave and a trim,

then he went to Rosco's Chicken and Waffles for a meal,

after that he called a press conference, 

where he demanded all the black people of the world

to boycott the state of Connecticut until the guilty 

cops are brought to justice.

A reporter asked him if he realized that it was an

actual monkey that got shot and not a black man?

Al thought for a second...

A strong smell then surrounded the podium.

Al then realized that he soiled himself and had

forgotten to put on his diaper that morning. 

There's a fine line...

There's a fine line between watching TV with your neighbor

and

watching your neighbor and their TV through a pair 

of binoculars from your backyard.

The Wrestler and the Beast.

Great movie purely on acting alone. 

Story was weak, cliche and very predictable especially the cliff hanger ending. 

But still entertaining and a good watch all the way through.

Now everyone is saying that this is Mickey Rourke's comeback.

But I don't think it is, he's always been a good actor,

 even when he was fucked up. 

I've loved him in everything from, Pope of Greenwich Village 

to Angel Heart to Sin City and everything in between. 

There once was a time when Mickey's face got him work

for being good looking, now it's the exact opposite.

Take a look...

Big change in features, ya think?

And believe me, Mickey's face is all natural. 

It's not a rubber mask or CGI ugliness

and from what I hear the only make up 

they used on him was Acne medication.

I don't know which was more bloated, beaten and 

utterly grotesque to look at though,

Mickey Rourke's face...or Marisa Tomei's ass...

Her butt by the way is the beast I was refereeing to in the title. 

It had the same amount of screen time as the other stars

and also like the other stars 

you weren't sure if you should cry for it

or throw up for having seen it. 

At one point I made a note to myself that the direction is amazing.

The way he got Mickey to breath so loudly and heavily all the time

and make every movement look painful.

But then I realized I was wrong, 

Mickey wasn't acting old and hurt, 

Mickey is old and hurt.

And the heavy breathing wasn't just coming from

Mickey's black and worn out lungs.

The on-set microphones were also picking up sounds from the BEAST.

$80 Roses?

It's that time of year again, when all the teddy bears

in Vermont come out of their caves and start looking to be bought

by desperate men who know nothing better to give to their 

wives other than a stuffed animal.

Your buying your wife a gift, not your 6 year old niece. 

The commercial says that they are the same price as a dozen roses.

Then you see a low end cost of $79.95.

First off, who the hell is spending $80 on roses to begin with?

I can get a dozen roses for $10 from the mexican on the corner 

pretending to be an indian.

But he's not fooling me.

I know the difference between a Native American Indian and a

mexican wearing a head piece and holding a dream catcher. 

What makes a teddy bear from Vermont worth $80?

If i'm spending $80 on something from Vermont, 

it's going in my bong.  

Zebra - Most Fucked Animal.

Next time you think your life sux, just be glad you ain't a Zebra.

Every living thing on earth has something that wants to destroy and/or eat it.

Sort of a checks and balance type system.

If there is a bug that likes to eat a certain flower, 

then there will be a frog that likes to eat those bugs,

and then there will  be a snake that likes to eat those frogs,

etc...etc...etc...

Everything has some kind of a defense.

Whether it's camouflage, poison, speed, odor, etc..

Everything except a Zebra.

Not exactly the best camouflage to hide from lions and shit.

There's only one way things end for a Zebra, and it looks like this...

There's no Zebra's dying from old age.

There's no Zebra retirement or pension programs.

If you die and are reborn as a Zebra, start running and never stop.

Zebra's are built like meatier and tastier horses, except

their half as slow and twice as dumb.

Every single thing they need to survive is loaded with predators.

Grass/plants for food are filled with lions, cheetahs, tigers, etc...

Rivers to drink water from are filled with Zebra eating Alligators. 

And just to make sure they get eaten they were given 

bright white and shiny black skin to make them stand out 

in any environment they enter.

In closing I want to create a new slang term/phrase/whatever you want to call it.

Instead of saying something like, "Yo dude, your fucked!"

You should now say, "Yo dude, your Zebrad!"

or change, "Hey man, that's fucked up!"

to, "Hey man, that's Zebrad!"

Grammy's part 3.

And finally 2 of my favorite moments of the night.

Thom York(of Radiohead) performed "15th Step" with the USC Marching Band.

Amazing live version of the song that totally blows away the album version.

and my favorite moment of the whole night...

The four and half minute long gang bang of Stevie Wonder by the lad's in the Jonas Brothers. 

The Jonas's each took turns rubbing and grinding their crotches on Stevie's arms and back.

Afterwards Stevie said he knew what they were doing, he said...

"I may be blind, but I knows the difference between a guitar and a 4 inch dick rubbing against my shoulder." 

But Stevie never stopped them.

He just sat there like a gay jabba the hut 

with dreadlocks 

at an all you can eat dick buffet. 

Grammy's part 2.

Next up was a cool performance by Sir Paul McCartney.

The only thing that sucked about it was Dave Grohl.

He did his best at trying to turn the Beatle's classic, "I saw her standing there," 

into Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit."

Paul and the other guys in the band looked at eachother

as if they were trying not to laugh as 

Grohl beat his drum set like a caveman clubbing dinner. 

Now to the darker moments...

Will. I. Am. and T Pain walk out to present an award for best rap something.

They are dressed in oversized hats and sunglasses, etc...

Will I Am lifts up the hopes of all black people by congratulating Obama.

Then T Pain sends the entire black race back 500 years with his

mix of slurred words, stutters and ebonics.

Later in the night Lil Wayne won an award.

His entire family rushed the stage.

It looked like visiting day in an over crowded prison. 

Grammy's part 1.

Actually a really good and entertaining awards show.

Lot's of good performances, but disagree with some of the winners.

There were a lot of weird/awkward/funny moments through out.

Heres some of them...

Either the first or second time(out of five) Robert Plant and Alison Krauss 

made their way to the stage to accept a grammy, 

they were eerily followed by their "producer"

T Bone Burnett....that creep in the sunglasses. 

Then, as if by gun point, both Plant and Krauss give him praise and thanks.

It honestly seemed like he was forcing them to say his name.

And by the way, if your name is T Bone Burnett you better be 

either a line backer for the Steelers or in jail for murder. 

Not this douche...he looks like an extra in Men in Black.

Hanging shoes.

Have you ever been driving somewhere and in like a couple of 

blocks you go from the "good" area to the "bad" area?

No warning signs other than an increased amount of

Bail Bonds, Liquor and Check Cashing stores.

You are really deep in shit if you find one store that

does all 3 of the above.

By the time your in it, it's already to late.

So I came up with an advanced warning sign to help 

you steer clear of certain areas.

Look up at the lines and wires that are above the streets.

The more old shoes you see hanging up,

then the worse the area is and you better turn around.

Think about it...

There ain't no "Air Jordan's" hanging 

on phone wires in Greenwich Connecticut.

There's no fake baby Timberlands swinging in

Witchitah Nebraska. 

What's the point of doing that anyway?

To show your neighbors you were able to buy a new pair of shoes?

Man vs. Food

I love cooking shows.

From Food Network to the Travel Channel, I watch most of them.

There's  a new one out called Man vs. Food.

I've given it several episodes to kick in, but nothing yet.

First off, It's called Man vs. Food...

Who challenged who? 

The fat guy or the pizza?

I love to eat cheeseburgers, but they've never challenged me to eat them or anything. 

And it's hardly a fair competition once you get a look at the host...

Look at him...

He looks like that overweight, probably gay,  jewish kid who always went out for the lead role in the high school play, but every year lost out to the much better looking Chad Wentworth. 

And his creepness factor rises faster that his dick when they put a sandwich in front of him.

He licks his lips and begins to sweat profusely. 

You know that what ever thoughts and images are in his head are not safe or natural. 

I got news for you Adam...

Animals are only supposed to be fucked when they are either alive and/or dead.

Once they get to sandwich form it's polite to stop putting your dick in them. 

But nothing holds him back.

Each bite he pleasurably moans and salivates like the first time he sucked a dick. 

It's really disturbing, even right now as I write about it. 

I mean he's trying to eat 10lbs of meat lovers pizza...and they give him a tv show.

He doesn't need a tv show he needs an intervention.

He might actually think that the food is challenging him?

He needs professional help immediately. 

And lastly in this battle between man and food, 

a question i've been pondering...

If thee food shall win then what be it's prize?

To only be half eaten? 

That's like winning a boxing match against Mike Tyson

but being paralyzed for the rest of your life.

Hero Pilot or Douche?

Ok, it's been almost a month already and that fake hero pilot guy, Chelsey B. Sullenberger the 3rd,  is still in the news.

I was holding back from posting about him, his name alone makes him a douche in my book,

but then he was honored during last nights Superbowl.

Enough is enough already...

He is not a hero!

All he did was his job.

Is a busboy a hero when he takes plates from the table to the dishwasher?

A hero is defined as somebody that goes above and beyond 

to save or protect someone else.

First off, he didn't go above or beyond anything, obviously not even the birds.

He landed the plane in water, soft velvety water.

Water is way more forgiving that concrete, so it didn't even have to be an A+ landing.

Lastly he didn't try and save anyone else by not crashing the plane horribly...

he was trying to save himself.

I guarantee you the only person he was thinking about was himself. 

The only way he should be declared a hero is if everyone survived except him,

If he somehow had to sacrifice his own life for everybody else to live, 

then i'd throw a dog a bone and let the family put hero on his tombstone.

But landing a plane(which is a key point in his job description) does not make him hero...

A better than average pilot? Yeah, maybe, but not hero.

Now if a bird crashed through the window and decapitated the pilot 

and a passenger or the stewardess with the gimp leg had to land the plane 

then they would be a hero. 

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a.....fucking pilot doing his job!