Little People, Big Foreheads. #2

Some comments on a recent episode of my favorite mismatched tv shows in which regular humans have to live with and be raised by midgets. 

On this episode the family heads to Orlando, FL.

Because as Amy, the mother midget,  says she likes her kids to experience different cultures.

I guess mother midget doesn't realize that florida is another state 

not a long lost civilization or a unique culture. 

The only culture in Florida is what gets washed ashore: 

a plank of wood with a dead cuban on it. 

But to keep up with the "experience different culture" theme, mother midget talks her family into eating some exotic floridian cuisine.

She took them to a restaurant that was a Greek version of TGIF Friday's.

In fact it's probably to greek food what Red Lobster is to fish. 

or KFC to chicken.

Fine Dining at its best.

After a couple of drinks she starts feeling a little "umpa," which i guess is a greek word for excited midget.

She decides to join a human waitress in dancing on the table top.

While she does her best to copy our human dance moves,

her little midget legs can only move so much before they get tired and swollen. 

She ends the segment by stupidly saying, "I'm glad my family and I got to have this experience here."

Next they went on a tour of a gator farm.

Trying to prove her midget self worth, Amy demanded to be able to try and catch a baby gator.

You should have seen the look in the baby gators face...

i guess midget meat tastes delicious and tender like veal, cause that gator was drooling.

Now sadly she won.

she forced her hand hoofs onto the gators back and pressed down with all her midget strength.

I guess midgets might have similar powers to a retarded person.

Finally they decided to go indoor sky diving. 

What a way to end another great episode.

When those little midgets entered the wind chamber I was laughing my ass off.

It looked like a tornado hit OZ 

and members of the lollipop guild were being tossed all over the place. 

Little People, Big World - monday nights @8pm on TLC.

Scarves on Men/11 year old legacy.

There are only 2 instances in which a guy should be aloud to wear a scarf.

1. You are a playwright who lives in the east village.

or

2. If you are using it to hang yourself.

On a lighter note...

A dying 11 year old boy made his final wish come true today.

He wanted to feed the homeless. 

His proud parents are happy about the legacy of love he's leaving behind.

Although he enjoyed feeding the homeless, it was not the boys first choice for a wish.

Originally he wanted to give a pedophile a night he would never forget. 

The boy was quoted as saying, 

"In the end I just thought it would be better to put something warm in lot's of peoples stomachs, instead of just one."

God Bless Him.

Strawberry flavored fields forever

Is it just me or does strawberry flavored anything taste a 100 times better than a real strawberry?

Maybe farmers should start growing strawberry's that taste like strawberry flavoring. 

While we're on the subject...

Does grape flavored stuff actually taste like grapes?

Or does it taste like purple?

BaLACK Obama

I have a new idea for a tv show...

It's called BaLACK Obama.

It would be about the black side of Obama that he is constantly trying to hide from people.

Almost like a Jekyl and Hyde type thing between his white side and ghetto black side.

The tagline could be something like...

See what happens when the president trades in his 3 piece suit for a 3 piece and biscuits. 

I don't know about you, but I'd tune in every week to see what kind of crazy shenanigans he gets himself into.

Power Chair

Just watched a commercial for the "Power Chair."

Which is basically a motorized wheel chair for old people.

Have you ever seen a greater euphemism.

The commercial starts with a question, "With your freedom where would you go?"

Cause I guess with this ad they are targeting old prison inmates who are about to be released.

Then someone with a deep and excited voice says, "How about the Statue of Liberty!!!!" 

And they cut to a shot of an old guy circling the statue in his power chair.

Listen grandpa, I don't know how well your 2 inch rubber wheels are going to hold up on grass...and unless your power chair came with a flotation device you didn't use it to get to the statue. You used a boat, a power boat. 

I have no problem with old people having some machine doing all their work for them, but call a spade a spade.

It's not a fucking power chair that going's to help you see the world.

It's a wheelchair that goes 7 miles an hour.

And the only place it's taking your fat diabetic, gout ridden ass is one block down the street to the corner deli

so you can buy milk and cat food...and you don't even have a cat.

Then the commercial ends with a woman, that didn't look a day under 100, cruising through a park at sunset.

She looks at the camera and happily says, "My power chair barely cost me any money at all."

That's right, it didn't. 

But your poor son had to take a second mortgage out on his house to help you pay for it. 

Oh and grandma, those mexicans walking behind you aren't going to help you find your way home when that sun sets. 

They're going to club you in the back of the head with a stick and take your purse.

"Power Chair. See the world again."

The Price is Wrong Edith.

Been watching a lot of price is right recently.

Drew Carey is awesome as the new host.

He makes fun of the people and their bids, he tries to improv on the the spot and fails terribly and he creepily hugs all the hot young college girls...like chester the molestor creepy...and he stares at them through his oversized magnifing glasses with his  beady little chink eyes.

If eye raping was illegal he'd be on death row.

if i was ever lucky enough to be a contestant on the show I wouldn't care about winning a single game, I wouldn't even try and make it off of contestants row.

i would pick some poor pathetic loser who is actually excited about being on the show and always bid just a dollar more than they bid.

I figure that the dollar more bid is probably one of the most dickest things you could do on a game show.

I would pick some one like Edith from Ohio and smile at her as I fucked her well thought out bid. 

I would laugh and point at her each time she lost and she would just wonder why I was doing what I was doing, but I would never tell her.

I would just continue the onslaught making sure neither one of us won anything more than the cheesy parting gifts.

She would probably cry about it later that night , back at the hotel, with her scrabble club.

She would remember me for the rest of her life and always wonder why.

Ok, time to go see my therapist. 

Lot's Of Cheese

I'm going to open a store called, "Lot's of Cheese."

Here's the FAQ page on my store's website.

Q: What do you sell at your store?

A: Lot's of Cheese.

Q: Do you sell cheese?

A: Yes, we sell lot's of it.

Q: I'm looking for a rare kind of cheese. Do you have it?

A: Probably, we have lot's of cheese.

Q: Can I buy crackers here as well?

A: No, just cheese and lot's of it.

Q: What if I only want to buy a little cheese?

A: You can buy a little or a lot.

Q: I want to buy a lot of cheese, am I in the right place?

A: Yes, here you can buy lot's of cheese.

Q: Do you sell a lot of different kinds of cheese or just big chunks of one kind.

A: Both. We have a lot of cheese's and a lot of big chunks of cheese's.

Q: I need to get my hands on some cheese ASAP. How fast do you ship?

A: We ship lot's of cheese everyday. 

Q: Is " Lots" a kind of cheese or a just simply an amount?

A: It's an amount, but if it was a cheese we'd have lot's of it. 

Little People, Big Foreheads.

I'm a big fan of the tv show Little People, Big World.

In case you haven't seen it, it's about a little mother and father midget.

They actually gave birth to "human" children, 4 to be exact.

And lucky for them only one of them is vertically fucked.

Camera's follow them around as they do what midgets do best.

And that is to make tall people feel guilty about being tall.

They pitter patter and scamper around with their midget fingers, oversized hoofs and gigantic midget ego's.

In fact, that's the biggest part of them, their sense of midget entitlement.

Listen, being born a midget doesn't entitle you to anything except disgrace and ridicule. 

So while I love the show, I hate how they go around making other people feel awkward for not knowing whether or not to help them.

They order around this poor mexican guy that works on their farm.

Poor guy doesn't even speak english and he's got these little midgets kicking shit at him.

So in closing I think midgets should go back in the closet, or cupboard, and stay out of real people's way.

Come alive in fairy tales, midget tossing and Willy Wonka movies.

Top of the food chain.

After thinking about it last night we, humans, are not the top of the food chain...even though we act like it.

Just cause we figured out how to make pointy objects to defend ourselves doesn't make us superior to other animals, cause we're not.

I'm the farthest thing from a vegan and I'm not a tree hugger or anything like that. I love eating meat, that's not what this is about.

If you gave a handful of lions bullet proof vests and let them loose in NYC, by the end of the day whose going to be running from who?

Lions, Tigers, Bears, Big Snakes, Gators, etc... can rip the shit out of a human. What could we do to them in a one on one situation? 

Piss our pants and play dead?

Yet we act like we are the top of the food chain. We terrorize weaker and defenseless animals like cows and chickens.

Forget about people not liking people, animals must hate us. 

What would we do to or call a giraffe if it did the following...

1. mass produced other animals only to slaughter and eat.

2. kill sporting animals for fun.

3. capture for entertainment.

4. rob nests of eggs.

5. wear dead animals skin and fur. 

We wouldn't put up with that. The giraffe's would all be on trial for ethnic cleansing or something.

Black people might say, "Them giraffe's are bad ass mutha fucka's."

The Black Panthers would become the Black Giraffe's.

If you still have your doubts whose on top let me ask you this...

If I put you in a room with an Anaconda, whose going to end up passing through the other ones stomach?

You or the snake?

And again I'm NOT against the killing/torturing/laughing at/poking/or even raping of animals.

Just don't think that that makes us top of the food chain.

We're Smart on the food chain, but not top.

Amsterdam thoughts...

Spent 2 weeks in Europe, half the trip was in Amsterdam.

My favorite place on earth. Not just for the obvious reasons though.

I loved the culture and people.

I recommend everyone goes for a little holiday.

Best coffee shop - Amnesia

Best strain (out of the 12 I tried) - Amnesia Haze

Now with the funny funny.

I went to the Anne Frank house.

Let me tell you something... after visiting the location for one of the most beloved Disney family novels, The Diary of Anne Frank,  I now understand why they kept her and her family locked in an attic.

It was because they were some of the most hideous and grotesque looking life forms ever.

I'm going to be Frank with you Anne...good looks must be expensive and your not only dirt poor, but in debt.

I think you should not only have been hidden in the attic but you should have been chained to a wall with a potato sack over your gruesome face.

And don't think I forgot about the rest of your family...

her grandmother looked like Gretchin an 18th century chamber maid.

her mother looked like a confused man in a dress.

her little brother, Frank Frank, would have been the safest altar boy in a catholic church...he could have walked around naked and not got any attention from the priests.

and lastly,  her dad looked like Laurel and Hardy had a baby and then neglected it.

Anyone that grew up in an apartment in the Bronx will tell you that the supposed "small" attic would have been a penthouse in the place they grew up.

Infact it would probably be $3000-$5000 a month rent

Anne Frank and her sisters had to tip toe around during the day so the "scary" germans wouldn't hear them. 

Scary Germans? Are you kidding me? When have you ever been scared of a German person? 

Me and my brother had to tip toe around as well, but it wasn't to hide from the germans. 

it was so we wouldn't wake up our alcoholic step father.

So did Anne Frank have it bad or do jewish woman just love to complain?

In closing here's a joke that turned up after I googled "Anne Frank Jokes"

What's brown and hides in an attic?

The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank.

I think the joke would be funnier as follows...

What's yellow, brown and squishy and hides in an attic?

The Diaper of Anne Franks Grandmother.

Now there's a novel I'd like to read.

State Law Signs.

Did you know that it is a State Law, in all states(which pretty much makes it a national law), that you have to "yield" to pedestrians in a crosswalk.

For this to have actually become a written law must have meant that there was somewhat of an epidemic of people being killed while crossing a street.

Now that we have this law in place, I think it's safe to say that I finally feel safe again. Finally.

That's why I just want to say thank you to all the politicians out there who worked hard and pulled all nighters to get that law passed and finally put an end to the sense-less speeding up and then running over of thousands and thousands of innocent pedestrians last year alone.

Now maybe people will stop and think before they mow down a family walking across a cross walk...

Killing is murder...even if it's done with a car.

Words to live by.

After Election thoughts...

Now that the elections are finally over John McCain can get back to his day job, working the afternoon bartending shift at his local VFW and chasing kids off of his front lawn.

Is it just me or did McCain and his camp miss a great opportunity to counter Obama's "Yes We Can" campaign? 

He should have changed his name from McCain to McCAN!

or how about McChange!

At the very least he might have gotten a breakfast sandwich named after him at McDonalds.

He may have lost the election, but now he comes with hash browns and a small coffee.