Full Body Scanner

Chicago's International Airport will be the countries first to receive a

$25 million "Full Body Scanner" from the government.

It's this guy and he wants to get to know you well.

2 thumbs down.

Poor Roger Ebert, with neck removal surgery,

will no longer be able to speak.

I can't decide if he looks like a horny teenager from the 1950s

or a bobble head version of one of the Little Rascals?

Don't hate me, it's a Haitian joke.

What does a haitian have in common with Betty from the Flintsones?

When the lights go out they're both under rubble.

Ghost Rider 2!!!

Nicholas Cage is apparently in financial trouble and has been for a couple of years.

He's had to foreclose and auction some of his houses.

He's also admitted to doing movies just for the paycheck for the past few years.

Really?

You mean you didn't take the lead in Bangkok Dangerous because you belived in the story?

And you didn't think that your Wicker Man remake would be better than the classic original?

Shame on you Mr. Cage.

In completely unrelated news...

Actor Nicholas Cage has agreed to star in Ghost Rider 2 and 3.

enough said...

Happy Halloween!

The worst costume EVER.

If you are any of the following people,

please go out and kill yourself slowly.

1. The idiot who first thought this should be a costume.

2. The higher up idiot who agreed and put this atrocity into production.

3. The Mexican and Philippine sweat shop workers who sewed and assembled it.

4. The 26 year old virgin employee who pushed the sales.

5. His boss who told him to, because he ordered a 100 of them.

6. The self-righteous asshole parent who talked their poor dumb kid

into dressing like them for halloween.

7. Any kid, even if being forced, that wears this shitty shit colored costume.

Nobody likes UPS men, not even themselves.

In a close second for worst costume ever.

The only reason for being the second worst

is because I liked how Super Girl looks so jealous of it.

And the little Fed Ex girl knows it.

THIS BLOG WAS PAID FOR AND ENDORSED BY FED EX

FED EX - FUCK YOU UPS!

Columbus Day or another National No Mail Day?

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue,

In 1493 Columbus stopped to take a pee,

we all know the jingle.

What I love about the celebration of Columbus day

is that we celebrate him doing some thing monumental,

like discovering America, by taking the day off from work.

He treks across uncharted oceans of water and

discovered the greatest nation in the world and

this douche bag can't even deliver a

Sears Catalogue?

Ummmm...the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper has been focusing all their advertising on the

fact that their soda has 23 different flavors.

Really?

I thought it only had one flavor, Dr. Pepper.

So I decided to read the bottle more closely and find out

what these other 22 delicious flavors were.

Here's some of them...

Carbonated water - bubbly like a fat guy farting in a hot tub.

Carmel color - who knew you could get flavor from a color?

Sodium - you can never have enough salt in your beverage.

Benzoate - i know, it that sounds like something my mom uses for dry skin, but it tastes great.

Malic acid - it burns sooo good.

Red 40 - its at least 40 times better than regular red.

I could go on listing more of the 23 flavors, but I'm getting so thirsty.

Breast Cancer Awareness.

This month is breast cancer awareness month.

And in honor of that and to help promote breast cancer awareness

My team of scientist and I have isolated "breast cancer"

That turd looking black stuff...

Instead of handing out pink ribbons we are offering

to infect you, for free, with a batch of breast cancer.

There's no better way to be aware of something than if you have it.

Just ask original Kiss drummer Peter Criss...

He announced this week that he recently had breast cancer.

The doctors removed one of his old man boobs

and he's been cancer free ever since.

So don't just wear a pink ribbon and pretend to care,

come on down to get infected and prove it.

The 2 faces of a Midget.

I've determined that all midgets, dwarves and hobbits

have 2 basic looks:

1) Big foreheaded asshole.

and

2) Big foreheaded asshole that can smile.

I Love U2.

I always wait for my girlfriend to say

"I love you" first.

That way when I reply back,

"I love you too"....I won't be lying.

Cause they are a great band.

Lots Of Cheese - REPOST

I wanted to repost this, cause I actually found pics of the 2 little

shops in Amsterdam that inspired the post to begin with...

I'm going to open a store called, "Lots of Cheese."

Here's the FAQ page on my store's website.

Q: What do you sell at your store?

A: Lots of Cheese.

Q: Do you sell cheese?

A: Yes, we sell lots of it.

Q: I'm looking for a rare kind of cheese. Do you have it?

A: Probably, we have lots of cheese.

Q: Can I buy crackers here as well?

A: No, just cheese and lots of it.

Q: What if I only want to buy a little cheese?

A: You can buy a little or a lot.

Q: I want to buy a lot of cheese, am I in the right place?

A: Yes, here you can buy lots of cheese.

Q: Do you sell a lot of different kinds of cheese or just big chunks of one kind.

A: Both. We have a lot of cheese's and a lot of big chunks of cheese's.

Q: I need to get my hands on some cheese ASAP. How fast do you ship?

A: We ship lots of cheese everyday.

Q: Is " Lots" a kind of cheese or a just simply an amount?

A: It's an amount, but if it was a cheese we'd have lots of it.

Joan Rivers Roast Jokes...

If I was invited to the Roast of Joan Rivers here's some of the jokes

I would have said...

Wow, thank you roast master Kathy Griffin.

Kathy is great isn't she?

She looks like she gets make up advice from drag queens who get their advice from watching the movie Mommy Dearest.

You look like a dwarf that didn’t know it was to suppose to stop growing.  

And Mario Cantone is here...

Mario has sucked so much cock that his shit comes out white. 

He’s had more salty fluids in him then the Dead Sea. 

If he burps within 5 feet of a woman, she'll either get pregnant or AIDS. 

Robin Quivers from the Howard Stern show...

Joan and Robin are good friends and they are thinking of starting a comedy team together called Rivers & Quivers. But I like their original name, 

A Couple of Cackling Cunts.

Jeffrey Ross, you look like a down syndrome Seth Rogen and not as funny.  

Greg Giraldo is back again.

He reminds me of a groundhog. He comes out once a year to varying degrees of success and then he spends the rest of the year as roadkill some where in the mid west. 

And to the man of the hour, Joan Rivers...

You look like a cast member in CATS. 

More celebrities have died in the last month than are attending this roast.

I loved you in the movie Muppets Take Manhattan. Joan also loved working on this movie cause it’s where she met her long time plastic surgeon, Jim Henson.  

I accidentally saw Joan Rivers naked once…oddly, my description matches Michael Jackson’s autopsy report word for word: deathly pale, dry skin, frail, plastic(with a question mark), arthritic joints, fur footed, demon clawed, track marked, chicken necked, spider veined, pierced right nipple, left nipple missing and perhaps the weirdest one of all…abnormally black penis.

When most people have sex it sounds kind of wet and squashy, with Joan it sounds like tin foil being crumpled and machines struggling to start.

Joan’s skin was used as a model for KFC’s new grilled chicken. Joan, that explains why Robin Quivers was licking you backstage.

You just won celebrity apprentice, congratulations.  Your opponents were Dennis Rodman, Andrew Dice Clay and your own daughter Melissa. Winning amongst that group is like being the most popular roommate on Real World 17.

Joan’s trademarked catchphrase, “Can we talk?” ranks second on the google list of cutest things that senile old woman have said, behind “Where’s the Beef?”

Charles "no longer" In Charge.

I was just thinking about how funny it is

that Charles Manson, once the most 

evilest and scariest man in the world, 

is now no more than an old and beaten white guy in jail.

He went from being ruler of a cult and ordering mass murders

to cleaning Tyrone's cell and tossing his salad when he comes back. 

It's amazing how jail will knock you down a couple of pegs. 

Black people don't put up with that "crazy" shit.

Charlie met his cellmate, Tyrone, on the first day and 

Tyrone was like, 

"So you dat Manson guy? Crazy motherfucker, huh?"

Charlie would have started preaching and shit and 

then suddenly Tyrone clocks him dead in the face.

As manson is trying to stop the bleeding, 

Tyrone shouts at him,

 "Up in here Tyrone's da crazy motherfucker!

Now pull down your pants and turn around!" 

Charlie has never pulled his pants down so quickly. 

Nor has he pulled them up since.

A thought...

If Africans are called African-Americans while in the USA.

Then are Americans called American-Africans while in Africa?

Golf Courses Change Colors.

A golf course in Memphis recently underwent a 16 million 

dollar renovation to become completely "green" and  Eco friendly. 

But that's nothing compared to the golf course in Alabama. 

They did the same thing with just a 

shotgun and this sign...

Strawberry thoughts.

Why is it that you can never get a package of strawberries where

more than half of them are edible?

Every time there's like 3 that are white and green, so you can't eat them...

and if your like me you can't eat any of the ones touching them. 

Then there are the ones on the bottom who should have never 

taken that seat to begin with because they're small and weak 

and could not support the weight of their brothers and sisters above them. 

To visualize this better, imagine what would happen if 

a retarded cheerleader with some sort of muscle disorder 

was at the bottom of one of those pyramids. 

All it would take is a butterfly to float by and...

Do you realize that somewhere it's someones job, 

their whole life, to grow and produce strawberries?

And not as a hobby like your grandmother and her gardening club do.

They grow them all day and night non stop.

They pick, plant, pick and plant in a never ending cycle 

that produces tens of millions of strawberries every week. 

What if they have like strawberry deadlines and emergencies?

Like the manager gets a phone call and gathers the staff. 

"That was Smuckers, they need 50 million strawberries 

by weeks end."

And then like a loud siren goes off.

People start rushing around and panicking.

Mexicans start getting whipped.

Someone shouts, 

"Where are the seeds? Where are the fucking seeds!!!"

Madness ensues.

Albino's Anonymous?

Could a place such exist? 

Just thinking about that title is hilarious to me.

Cause there would be nothing Anonymous about a bunch of Albino's...

with their death white skin, snake eyes and putrid obors...

People 2 towns over would know they're convening 

before it even started. 

Anyway the real point of this post is this joke, that will end 

with an Albino related punch line. 

So why is it that every time I go tanning the only music I

hear is crazy dance/techno shit?

Not everyone that goes tanning is a pill popping raver...

What about the albino that just wants to fit in?

RUSH...no, actually don't...in fact take your time.

I don't get the band RUSH.

Yes, they are all amazing at their instruments,

but every single song they write sounds the same.

Plus they are 3 of the uncoolest guys to ever play rock n'roll.

They aren't even progressive, they are stagnant.

Let me ask you this...

How is it that in a 3 piece band

the guitarist is the least known?

It's because it's this guy...

He's out shined by the bass player, Geddy Lee,

who looks like a gay Vietnamese Howard Stern.  

You should see Geddy on stage,

He's got the posture of a frog trying to stand up straight. 

And the drummer, Neil Peart, is the most famous in the band...

He looks like that angry Korean guy that

washes my bed sheets in a giant pot of boiling water. 

Teen Cribs - Adult Depression

In these rough economical times we are in, TV programmers 

are responding according by scheduling  thoughtful and helpful shows.

Like, 

Their newest show is TEEN CRIBS.

Cause that's exactly what an out of work loser father of 3 

really needs to see. 

He's in a mid-life crisis, lost his job and is thinking of asking his

mother in-law(who he hates) for help....

He does not need to see that 13 year old Bethany has a bidet in 

her own private bathroom...which she uses to watch her feet. 

Also, you might not be able to buy your son a new basketball, 

but her 9 year old little shit brother, Jared, has his own indoor court. 

Now I'm not saying that people with money shouldn't spend it.

But MTV should be a little more sensitive to the times,

not glamorizing a couple extremely fortunate kids

who did nothing, 

other than fall out of their mothers vagina,

to earn any of the stuff they 

are showing off and claiming to be theirs.

All the show does is force regular loser kids to look

at their regular loser parents and realize that life sux. 

Greek Orthodox Assholes.

This past weekend I celebrated my second favorite Easter,

Greek Easter....or as the natives call it, Greaster.

The Greeks for some reason celebrate the dying and reincarnation

of Jesus a week after everybody else does.

Listen assholes,

If the guy was actually able to die and come back to life once,

what makes you think he's going to want to do it again?

That shit probably hurt even if he knew what he was doing. 

That would be like a magician doing his 

grand finally twice just for the fuck of it. 

How do they celebrate it you may ask?

First they start off by carrying flaming objects

out of the water and onto the dry land. 

This should be done in reverse if you ask me. 

After a long and boring mass they have a feast.

Instead of having an Easter Bunny that gives you eggs,

they have an Easter baby Lamb.

The lamb gives you more than just eggs...

First it impales itself with a wooded pole and then

it roasts itself over hot coals while it lets little

kids poke it with a stick.

The night ends with the elder men dancing around

a sacred plastic cup filled with wine. 

UUMMPPAA!!!

Happy 420!!!

In honor of today's national holiday, 

a couple of pot jokes...

Method Man was recently ordered to rap to kids about the dangers of smoking pot.Yes, the star of “How High” is going tell kids not to do drugs. That’s like having the Kool-Aid man surfing to a tune about the dangers of diabetes.

Scientific studies out of Seattle have reported that not all people with dreadlocks smoke pot. However, they do all smell like pot.

Blind No More.

American Idol finally cut up the sympathy card

of their blind contestant, Scott McIntyre.

He was kicked off in last weeks show.

In other news...

Former American Idol contestant, Scott McIntyre,

has announced that he is no longer blind. 

Fat Asshole

Sorry idiot but your shirt should say....

"I'm a fat asshole who has very few human friends.

I prefer not to shower regularly and 

I have to lift my oversized belly and gunt up, 

just to find my dick."

And is it just me 

or does that look on his face 

make him look like he just farted

and is happy with the smell?

Good Reissue, Bad Reissue.

Norwegian viking metal supergroup, Amon Amarth,

have announced that they will be re-releasing their long sought after

debut album, "The Avenger." 

Really?

Guys, I'm a fan of your art and have a couple of your albums

but be realistic with yourselves...

The holy grail is long sough after, not your crappy sounding and under produced first cd.

Does anyone really want to see the origins of this band?

I'm all for a good reissue of a great album.

Pearl Jam just did it with their masterpiece debut, "Ten."

But the only reason Amon Amarth are doing this is because their 

last album was a critical and commercial success for them.

And when I say commercial success I don't mean it sold millions,

I mean it sold 24,000 copies besting their previous record, 

which only sold 17,000 copies. 

It's so obvious it's just a cheap ploy 

to milk their small fan base out of money.

And look at one of their fans,

haven't they done enough to this kid already?

I'm not sure if it's a he/she or a she/he?