Joan Rivers Roast Jokes...

If I was invited to the Roast of Joan Rivers here's some of the jokes

I would have said...

Wow, thank you roast master Kathy Griffin.

Kathy is great isn't she?

She looks like she gets make up advice from drag queens who get their advice from watching the movie Mommy Dearest.

You look like a dwarf that didn’t know it was to suppose to stop growing.  

And Mario Cantone is here...

Mario has sucked so much cock that his shit comes out white. 

He’s had more salty fluids in him then the Dead Sea. 

If he burps within 5 feet of a woman, she'll either get pregnant or AIDS. 

Robin Quivers from the Howard Stern show...

Joan and Robin are good friends and they are thinking of starting a comedy team together called Rivers & Quivers. But I like their original name, 

A Couple of Cackling Cunts.

Jeffrey Ross, you look like a down syndrome Seth Rogen and not as funny.  

Greg Giraldo is back again.

He reminds me of a groundhog. He comes out once a year to varying degrees of success and then he spends the rest of the year as roadkill some where in the mid west. 

And to the man of the hour, Joan Rivers...

You look like a cast member in CATS. 

More celebrities have died in the last month than are attending this roast.

I loved you in the movie Muppets Take Manhattan. Joan also loved working on this movie cause it’s where she met her long time plastic surgeon, Jim Henson.  

I accidentally saw Joan Rivers naked once…oddly, my description matches Michael Jackson’s autopsy report word for word: deathly pale, dry skin, frail, plastic(with a question mark), arthritic joints, fur footed, demon clawed, track marked, chicken necked, spider veined, pierced right nipple, left nipple missing and perhaps the weirdest one of all…abnormally black penis.

When most people have sex it sounds kind of wet and squashy, with Joan it sounds like tin foil being crumpled and machines struggling to start.

Joan’s skin was used as a model for KFC’s new grilled chicken. Joan, that explains why Robin Quivers was licking you backstage.

You just won celebrity apprentice, congratulations.  Your opponents were Dennis Rodman, Andrew Dice Clay and your own daughter Melissa. Winning amongst that group is like being the most popular roommate on Real World 17.

Joan’s trademarked catchphrase, “Can we talk?” ranks second on the google list of cutest things that senile old woman have said, behind “Where’s the Beef?”