Joan Rivers Roast Jokes...

If I was invited to the Roast of Joan Rivers here's some of the jokes

I would have said...

Wow, thank you roast master Kathy Griffin.

Kathy is great isn't she?

She looks like she gets make up advice from drag queens who get their advice from watching the movie Mommy Dearest.

You look like a dwarf that didn’t know it was to suppose to stop growing.  

And Mario Cantone is here...

Mario has sucked so much cock that his shit comes out white. 

He’s had more salty fluids in him then the Dead Sea. 

If he burps within 5 feet of a woman, she'll either get pregnant or AIDS. 

Robin Quivers from the Howard Stern show...

Joan and Robin are good friends and they are thinking of starting a comedy team together called Rivers & Quivers. But I like their original name, 

A Couple of Cackling Cunts.

Jeffrey Ross, you look like a down syndrome Seth Rogen and not as funny.  

Greg Giraldo is back again.

He reminds me of a groundhog. He comes out once a year to varying degrees of success and then he spends the rest of the year as roadkill some where in the mid west. 

And to the man of the hour, Joan Rivers...

You look like a cast member in CATS. 

More celebrities have died in the last month than are attending this roast.

I loved you in the movie Muppets Take Manhattan. Joan also loved working on this movie cause it’s where she met her long time plastic surgeon, Jim Henson.  

I accidentally saw Joan Rivers naked once…oddly, my description matches Michael Jackson’s autopsy report word for word: deathly pale, dry skin, frail, plastic(with a question mark), arthritic joints, fur footed, demon clawed, track marked, chicken necked, spider veined, pierced right nipple, left nipple missing and perhaps the weirdest one of all…abnormally black penis.

When most people have sex it sounds kind of wet and squashy, with Joan it sounds like tin foil being crumpled and machines struggling to start.

Joan’s skin was used as a model for KFC’s new grilled chicken. Joan, that explains why Robin Quivers was licking you backstage.

You just won celebrity apprentice, congratulations.  Your opponents were Dennis Rodman, Andrew Dice Clay and your own daughter Melissa. Winning amongst that group is like being the most popular roommate on Real World 17.

Joan’s trademarked catchphrase, “Can we talk?” ranks second on the google list of cutest things that senile old woman have said, behind “Where’s the Beef?”

Charles "no longer" In Charge.

I was just thinking about how funny it is

that Charles Manson, once the most 

evilest and scariest man in the world, 

is now no more than an old and beaten white guy in jail.

He went from being ruler of a cult and ordering mass murders

to cleaning Tyrone's cell and tossing his salad when he comes back. 

It's amazing how jail will knock you down a couple of pegs. 

Black people don't put up with that "crazy" shit.

Charlie met his cellmate, Tyrone, on the first day and 

Tyrone was like, 

"So you dat Manson guy? Crazy motherfucker, huh?"

Charlie would have started preaching and shit and 

then suddenly Tyrone clocks him dead in the face.

As manson is trying to stop the bleeding, 

Tyrone shouts at him,

 "Up in here Tyrone's da crazy motherfucker!

Now pull down your pants and turn around!" 

Charlie has never pulled his pants down so quickly. 

Nor has he pulled them up since.

A thought...

If Africans are called African-Americans while in the USA.

Then are Americans called American-Africans while in Africa?

Golf Courses Change Colors.

A golf course in Memphis recently underwent a 16 million 

dollar renovation to become completely "green" and  Eco friendly. 

But that's nothing compared to the golf course in Alabama. 

They did the same thing with just a 

shotgun and this sign...

Strawberry thoughts.

Why is it that you can never get a package of strawberries where

more than half of them are edible?

Every time there's like 3 that are white and green, so you can't eat them...

and if your like me you can't eat any of the ones touching them. 

Then there are the ones on the bottom who should have never 

taken that seat to begin with because they're small and weak 

and could not support the weight of their brothers and sisters above them. 

To visualize this better, imagine what would happen if 

a retarded cheerleader with some sort of muscle disorder 

was at the bottom of one of those pyramids. 

All it would take is a butterfly to float by and...

Do you realize that somewhere it's someones job, 

their whole life, to grow and produce strawberries?

And not as a hobby like your grandmother and her gardening club do.

They grow them all day and night non stop.

They pick, plant, pick and plant in a never ending cycle 

that produces tens of millions of strawberries every week. 

What if they have like strawberry deadlines and emergencies?

Like the manager gets a phone call and gathers the staff. 

"That was Smuckers, they need 50 million strawberries 

by weeks end."

And then like a loud siren goes off.

People start rushing around and panicking.

Mexicans start getting whipped.

Someone shouts, 

"Where are the seeds? Where are the fucking seeds!!!"

Madness ensues.